The Rules of Pooping

rules of pooping

The list I’m about to share with you is very important. I recommend committing it to memory or printing it out and putting it in your wallet as a reference.

1. The Poop Room – If you are lucky enough to live in a home with more than one bathroom, then you must designate one of the bathrooms as “The Poop Room.” That means that one of the bathrooms is used exclusively for pooping, and the other bathroom remains poop free. The poop room may be used for other bathroom activities as well, so long as someone is not already in there pooping. The poop free room must never, under any circumstances, be used for pooping. That is, unless, two people have to poop at the same time. That is the only exception.

Some people might think that the reason for this is to protect guests and family members from offensive smells. The real reason is so that the person pooping may poop in peace, without worrying about grandma or someone’s boyfriend waiting outside the door for their turn to go a measly number one, while being engulfed by your stank.

The worst part about pooping with someone waiting to use the bathroom after you, is their smiling face when you open the door, and they pretend to not be hit in the face by your poo smell. Even worse, is when they emerge from the bathroom a few moments later pretending as if they didn’t notice how god awful the stench was. Not only have they ruined your poop time, but they have also passive aggressively shamed you by pretending it never happened.

By not acknowledging the poo smell, they are saying it is too shameful to discuss. I understand refraining from announcing to everyone in the room about how smelly someone’s poo is. But at least approach the person whose pooping time you just ruined by saying, “Hey, are you okay? That really stunk bad,” or “Hey, that was pretty bad. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone,” or “Wow, that was awesomely stinky! Good job!”

2. The Aftermath – Some people say if you poo and it stinks (which it usually does), that the poo’er should light a match or spray some air freshener. This is a very common misconception. The only thing a match or air freshener will do is make the bathroom smell like poo and match, or poo and air freshener. I guess some might think that’s better than pure poo, but I beg to differ. Here is the real way to handle a stinky poo:

  • Step 1: Wipe in a front to back motion.
  • Step 2: Use a moist flushable butt wipe to remove any poop residue.
  • Step 2: Flush
  • Step 3: Make sure all waste has successfully made it down the flush hole.
  • Step 4: If there is still some poop remnants, a second flush is required.
  • Step 5: If the toilet clogs, the plunger will be required, and hopefully the plunger is located in the bathroom.
  • Step 6: Make sure to remove all skid marks from the toilet bowl with the little scrubby toilet bowl brush.
  • Step 7: Sometimes a flush following the use of the scrubby toilet bowl brush is needed, but not usually.
  • Step 8: Open a window or turn on the fan or utilize both options, if they are available.
  • Step 9: Wash your hands! If some A-hole is lurking outside the bathroom door and they know you’ve pooped, they will judge you for skipping that step. Also, you just really should wash your hands so you don’t get shit particles all over the place. Even if you think you got a clean swipe and nothing made it onto your hands…there is just no way to know for sure.
  • Step 10: Close the door behind you! You don’t want your poo smell wafting through the house. Sometimes people think it’s better to have an open window and an open door to really air things out, but this is actually extremely selfish and careless. It’s better to seal off the bathroom and not make everyone else in the house suffer.
  • Step 11: If someone tries to use the bathroom after you, the kindest thing to do is warn them of the smell they may experience. (Keep in mind, some poo smells can take up to an hour to clear)! Then, that person has the option of waiting for the smell to clear, holding their breath should they decide to brave the smell, or maybe they’re gross and they want to take a big whiff. Either way, everyone has a right to choose.

3. The Public Bathroom – If you time your day poorly (aka have coffee while out, before your morning poo), or are confronted with the sudden urge to poo (diarrhea), sometimes the only option is the dreaded public bathroom. It’s not fun, but we’ve all been there.

  • Don’t Panic. Calmly seek out a private bathroom (the single seater, without multiple stalls). That way if there are other people who need to use the bathroom after you, you don’t have to deal with as much embarrassment as the multiple stall bathroom, because really only the person who goes in after you will suspect you of poo’ing.
  • When leaving the bathroom and faced with a person waiting to go in after you, blame the smell on the person before you. Say, “Oh man, it’s really bad in there. I almost threw up. Good luck,” and then roll your eyes for emphasis. Your disgust will imply that you didn’t do it because people don’t usually get grossed out by their own smells. You would never want to overtly say, “It wasn’t me!” because no one will believe that. Keep in mind, they will only believe you if you didn’t make them wait their turn for more than 20 minutes. The best part is they will usually respond to the warning with immense gratitude. I don’t typically recommend lying, but if you’re one of those people that’s easily embarrassed, this might ease your social discomfort.
  • If you can’t find a private option and you’re stuck with a bathroom with multiple stalls, you’ll want to find the stall that is furthest from the entrance. It gives the illusion of privacy. If you are using a movie theater bathroom, then you’re in luck, because usually there are countless stalls, and so the furthest stall really does end up being pretty private.
  • If you are worried about people hearing you poo, you’ll want to use the shared bathroom to your advantage, and try to only let the poo hit the water at the same moment that someone turns on the faucet to wash their hands. Even better if the theater has installed those really loud hand dryers that makes your hand skin look like someone’s face when they’re sky diving.
  • If your poo is really stinky and it is wafting out of the stall and into the rest of the bathroom, you must poo as quickly as possible and promptly leave without making eye contact. You are not subjecting your poo to your loved ones. These are merely strangers whom you will never see again. You don’t owe them anything. The other option is to stay in the stall as long as possible until the poo smell cannot be traced back to your stall, and the people who were in the bathroom when the poo occurred have since moved on. If you’re lucky, you will have avoided a new wave of people, and walk out into an empty bathroom.
  • If you’re in a multiple stall bathroom and there is only one other person, timing is everything. If you think you can poo fast enough to leave the bathroom without coming face to face with that person, then you should do that. If you miscalculate, and you’re still poo’ing when they have finished, it is advisable to wait until they leave. Give yourself an extra minute at the sink so as not to accidentally have them recognize you outside the bathroom. They may not have seen your face, but they more than likely saw your feet peaking out from under the stall.

4. Providing a Healthy Poo’ing Environment for Guests/The Ultimate Pooping Room: Even though I do not advocate masking the smell of poop with a lit match or air freshener, it’s important to make guests feel secure while pooping in your home. I’ll even go as far as to let my guests know, upon their arrival, where the designated poop room is. Unfortunately, at the moment, we are living in a one bathroom home…but in the past, when I’ve lived in a home with two, I was always courteous enough to let people know where they could safely poo.

Here is a list of items you should have in your bathroom at all times:

  • Reading material
  • Scented Candle
  • Lighter
  • Matches
  • Air Freshener (preferably with a lavender scent)
  • Plunger
  • Toilet Bowl Scrubber
  • Extra Rolls of Toilet Paper
  • Moist Flushable Butt Wipes
  • Hand Soap
  • Clean Hand Towel

As you may have noticed, I have included matches and air freshener in the list, despite my belief that they do nothing to mask the smell of poop. The reason for this is I strongly believe a comfortable pooping experience is in the eye of the poo’er. In other words, the way in which we handle our shit smells has to do with what makes us feel comfortable. If someone believes that the match is the way to go, then I feel it is only fair to give that person that option. If I am going to provide the ultimate pooping room (which is my intention), then I need to anticipate everyone’s preference of poo smell remedies.

There is a delicate balance between comfortably pooping and being courteous of others when it comes to subjecting them to your poo smells. Hopefully, these rules will help people poop in harmony.

(If anyone has any other suggestions for rules that should be added, please let me know)!

Bananas – The Worst Fruit

banana boobs final copy

Remember when you were a kid and you used to have pretend phone conversations into a banana? Those were the good ol’ days! I’m actually kind of pissed I ever switched to a real phone. It got me thinking (which ultimately made me a little depressed), about how my baby, Liam, might never talk into a banana.

A Few Reasons Liam May Never Talk into a Banana:

1. Pretend phone conversations with fruit have been replaced by the imagination-killing glow of the cell phone screen. Anytime Liam gets his hands on my iphone, he becomes irritable and obsessive. It’s actually kind of creepy. I don’t know why, but obsessive babies that have pent up anger remind me of Chucky – minus the red hair, facial scars, bad language, and propensity for violence and murder.

2. We don’t really eat bananas in our house, especially if I buy them. In fact, there are presently 6 over-ripe bananas sitting in our forgotten fruit bowl. I’ve tried to be more Pinterest-y and use over-ripe bananas for homemade banana bread, but they turn black in the fridge and then a month later, I discover them and wonder why I go through so much trouble for a fruit I kind of loathe anyway. In theory, what’s not to love? They’re convenient, healthy, sweet, fun to draw, and phallic. But the truth is that they aren’t juicy! Period! By definition, a good fruit is supposed to be juicy. They are the opposite of juicy. They actually make me thirsty. That’s reason alone not to buy them.

3. Bananas are soon going to be too expensive to buy and then become extinct. Can you imagine paying a dollar per pound for bananas?! Gross! It’s old news, but according to this article, we’re looking at only three more years of bananas.

I have endured a banana on occasion, but I have strict rules for banana consumption.

The Conditions Under Which I Will Consume a Banana:

1. Slightly under-ripe (so it’s not too mushy), sliced over cereal, with a good amount of milk. It has to be in a somewhat healthy cereal, though. Bananas look ridiculous in something like Fruity Pebbles or Lucky Charms. If you eat it in those types of cereals, you’re wrong. Also, for the record, Lucky Charms is a terrible cereal and Fruity Pebbles really shouldn’t ever be eaten, unless it’s on top of some frozen yogurt…and not just any frozen yogurt – it has to be Yogurtland.

2. In a peanut butter sandwich…again, don’t forget how un-juicy a banana is. When you pair it with peanut butter, you will desperately need something to drink. You cannot wash it down with anything other than water or milk, unless you want to be disgusting.

3. Running late for an afternoon appointment, shaking from hunger, with no time to stop for food – not even at a drive thru McDonalds or anywhere else equally as shitty…this is one of the two occasions a banana may be consumed without other food.

4. While extremely pregnant, low blood sugar, in need of potassium, with a strange craving for a banana. This is occasion number two in which a banana may be consumed without other food.

When the banana industry meets its maker, I will not mourn their absence. However, I will continue to draw ladies with banana boobs. I may not find bananas tasty, but they certainly are funny.